SUP? NOPE.

Oooo....chilly morning.  I've got two layers of long sleeves on and some woolen socks.  While September in the PNW can be gorgeous, we can all tell summer is waning here in late August.  Morning fog, earlier dusk, gardens winding down, even some leaves turning from green to golden.

Which reminds me, again this year I forgot to do any Stand-Up Paddleboard Yoga.  "Forgot" maybe isn't the right word....I'm NEVER going to do SUP Yoga!

I am an evolved land-dwelling human who has left her gills eons behind.  I see no reason to ever put myself in a situation where my face might have to meet the water.  This interferes with normal human lung breathing.  I like normal human lung breathing.  I like it so much that any memories of childhood swim lessons where I had to actually put my face in the water, put my whole head under the surface (!) and on one occasion had to be embarrassingly fished out of the water with a "lifesaver hook" at the YWCA, as I panicked and flailed in the deep end, is mostly banished from memory.

I know SUP Yoga is currently all the rage.  I see the lovely photos of people (women mostly) doing all manner of yoga maneuvers atop a SUP on brilliantly blue sky days at the lake.  As an "idea" this is great fun.  In reality, um, no.  I also have to wonder if all those perfectly framed photographs are photo-shopped.  That board is really sitting on your rec room floor, isn't it?  Very clever!

HaHa.  Just kidding.  I actually know teachers who do this for real and students who follow their lead.  The photo with this post is of Carly who used to teach at YCS.  She's great; I loved her classes. I also know current YCS teacher and my Yoga Teacher Training instructor, Elizabeth, does SUP.  She even brought her SUP to our teacher training retreat at Diablo Lake in case any of us wanted to try it...in Diablo Lake's 44 degree glacial melt waters.  No takers.

I guess like surfing and swimming this is fun for some.  If they take a spill off the board, they come up laughing, hair slicked back perfectly, face aglow, like some beautiful yoga mermaid ready to hop back on and do it again.  I can accurately predict I'd come up spewing water and spittle, hair crisscrossing my face, over my eyes, blinding me, and leaving me looking like a shaggy dog, likely crying, hyperventilating, and begging someone to get me to shore, NOW, where I'd sit berating myself for being such a yoga dud and hating how I look in a swimsuit.  I have no need to put myself in that situation.

In fairness to my attempts to be an adventurer, I tried to be on a SUP one time -- not even doing yoga!  Just sitting there.  My atheletic husband loves to ride his SUP.  He has an inflatable one that, once blown up with his super duper battery powered air pump, is rigid and sturdy.  He actually lugs this 50 pound toy to Hawaii every year (deflated in its carry bag) and paddles around the bay and rides the waves in front of our condo unit.

Last trip he suggested that it might be fun to take it to the river and I could sit in front of him while he paddled us upriver.  He suggested this for about two weeks of our 2-1/2 week stay and finally I relented.  Snuggly tucked into my life vest, I took my seat and immediately noticed the unbalanced nature of us tipping back and forth on the surface.  I white knuckled my not moving Staff Pose as he tried to find a way to keep us upright.  Having another person on the board was a learning curve situation for him.  Then he started to paddle, periodically bonking me in the head with the oar as he swung the paddle from side to side.  The wind picked up; it was hard to make forward progress, and not fun for either of us.  After about 30 minutes he suggested we turn back....which is just about unheard of.  He never bails on anything.  I was relieved.  And while I didn't get thrown off, neither did I have much fun.

Yes, I'm a water dud...with the exception of kayaking which for some reason I really enjoy.  I am close to, but not in the water.  I choose sunny days, with glassy calm 'seas'; I don my life vest, and paddle away assuming no disasters will befall me.  Could be wishful thinking and could be deemed inconsistent with my fears.  Go figure.  It works for me.

I wonder if Kayak Yoga is a thing?  Nah....methinks best to stay seated.  But if you try it, let me know how it goes.

Namaste, donnajurene

Photo Credit:  From Carly's FB page: Catalyst Yoga

TEARS IN MY EARS

You may have noticed the subtitle of this blog; it goes like this:  "My blissful experience with a yoga practice...also falling down, crying, laughing, and sleeping in class".

I've done all those things -- falling out of poses, laughing with joy, sleeping during Savasana.  And crying...not often, but sometimes.  Not recently, until yesterday.

I'm having challenging year with a family life situation that seems to have come out of the blue, but has been brewing, apparently.  It's hard.  Relationships are hard.  Loving is hard.  I've got a big tool box full of personal growth and spiritual growth tools and I've tried to use the ones best suited to this job, but I've got a call in to get a "refresher" from the tool guru--my therapist.  I did not anticipate finding myself in this spot now.  Part of the challenge is the shock.

I have not done a yoga practice since my Yoga Teacher Training Graduation on July 31.  I've let that tool lie dormant as I went away on a trip, then came home to a week of grandchild care.  I told myself I'd do a home practice with an online teacher, but I didn't motivate myself to do it.

Yesterday I made myself go to the studio.  I hesitated, again, because Saturday classes tend to be super crowded and the last thing I wanted was to socialize.  Depression is not friendly and chatty.  So I got there really early, waited just outside the door to the inner space until the previous class finished, and then dashed in to claim a place as far away from everyone else as possible -- in the back corner near the restroom.

I saw friends across the room and felt the warmth of connection just knowing they were there, but not talking to them.  I heard Elizabeth's familiar voice, instructing as she always does to begin lying down, following the breath, letting thoughts go, being in the moment.

Then the floodgates opened.  I cried lying there, tears of sorrow, and grief, and fear, and relief.  I just let it happen as I heard her quiet cadences nurturing me.   I cried and cried until I began to feel the tears rolling back along my upper cheeks and pooling in my ears.  Then I chuckled to myself.  It was funny, that I was making a pond of tears in my outer ears.  I had to grab a tissue and sop out the salty sea.

We went on with our practice.  I kept my mind focused, my eyes closed, my energy extending no further than the confines of my mat.  I cried.  And I felt safe: the studio so artistically beautiful, a nurturing space so familiar to me, a teacher I admire and trust, and teacher training friends across the room to give me silent support they didn't even know they were lending just by being there.

We come to the mat some days feeling strong and balanced.  We come to the mat some days feeling joyful and energetic.  We come to the mat some days feeling like the mat is the only thing saving us from despair.  We come to the mat with all of our self -- the True Self that observes, and the very human, egoic self that is caught in the human condition.

It's all OK.  It's all welcome.  Come cry with me.  ©
Namaste, donnajurene

NOW BEGINS THE STUDY OF YOGA....

The first Yoga Sutra lays it right out there...."now begins the study of Yoga".  And you might think the next Sutra will show you how to do a perfect Pigeon Pose. Au contraire!  Asana is barely mentioned in the Sutras.  It's all about how to still the fluctuations of the mind.  In ancient Indian times, Yoga was about the spirit.  Ayurveda was about the body.

My true study of yoga began on January 10, 2019 when I stepped into the first session of a 200 hour yoga teacher training, taking coursework toward my registered yoga teacher certification.  I completed that course yesterday, July 30, 2019.

It was a journey I never expected; a path that challenged and surprised me.  I was overwhelmed at times, joyful and curious at times, sad at times, exhausted a lot of the time, unsure, unsteady, and doubtful any of it would lead to anything but time and money spent on something I'd soon ignore.

Um...shows you how much the Ego knows!  I'm still processing where this path has led me, but I know in my bones (anatomy!) that I am changed.  I did not go into this a complete novice.  I've practiced yoga for 11 years, I've meditated for almost as long (sporadically), I've done lots of reading and chanting and hanging out with people who share the spirit of Yoga.  Yet, this deep dive has been the unifying force I needed to bring it all under one umbrella.

In addition, my adult-life passion for personal growth work has been expanded exponentially.  I get it all now, not just on a psychological level, but a spiritual one.  It feels like a clean slate, like heaviness has been lifted and Light is shining in.

And I've made new friends of all ages.  When one reaches a certain age, it is harder and harder to meet and become friends with people.  Well, that has been my experience.  I'm not in the paid workforce; I don't attend a church; my PTA days are behind me; I am cordial with my neighbors but we mostly wave and chat briefly when we see each other.  I am involved in politics, but that is a one-topic "friendship" for the most part.  But in this yoga training we were all in the trenches together, no one person more skilled, more confident, more knowledgable than the next.  We supported each other, cheered each other on, held each other in vulnerability and in joy, shared about our families, our lives.  What a surprise!  I didn't anticipate finding this in the training.

Our teachers/mentors were unfailingly supportive as well.   With wisdom, knowledge, experience, humor, and empathy we were led on a journey of discovery and learning.  It wasn't easy.  The monthly intensive weekends, and the culminating 4 day Learning Retreat, were truly intense.  I went home exhausted.  We had textbooks and homework.  If we missed a session we had to make it up on our own dime with a private session.  Homework was due on time and evaluated.  We didn't receive a grade per se, but we needed to demonstrate proficiency and complete all the required hours and assignments.

Going into it, I thought I'd take the course to deepen my own practice.  I thought I'd challenge this sometimes lazy brain with new learning and knowledge.  I thought it might be sorta fun.

It was all of that....and indescribably more.  I feel eager to continue to study, to prioritize the many aspects of yoga and incorporate them in all I do, and to (dare I say it?)....teach!

I don't know where or when or how I will manifest the teaching goal, but unlike the first time I stepped up to teach part of a practice in class, unsteady and unsure, I am now (with some thought and preparation) confident I have something to offer others and sharing what Yoga can give us motivates me to try.

For those of you who may be interested, I believe this course will be offered again in 2020.  Just. Do. It.

Namaste, donnajurene
Photo: Me and my certificate with our instructor Elizabeth Gray at the Family & Friends "Grad" Party.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

YOWZA!  Time is on hyperspeed!  I'm just writing my first July blog post on nearly the eve of August!

I have a good excuse.  This is the last month of my yoga teacher training course.  I had to write a research paper and develop an asana practice to go along with it.  I had a 3-page, multi-part take-home final to complete.  I had to rehearse the abbreviated asana practice from my research that I will be required to teach to the entire class and the instructors at the 5-day culminating yoga training retreat that begins today.

I just did a run-through, again, of my teaching practice.  I'm generally not at all nervous about talking to crowds, which is weird for an introvert such as myself, but I find it much easier than making small talk at a party one on one.  Anyway, having talked to some of my sister yoginis, I realize we are all a bit nervous.  This is it.  We are teachers, teaching.  Gulp.  I even mentioned to one of our instructors that I hoped I didn't screw this up.  She very gently looked me in the eye and said, "And what if you do?"  Is being perfect what yoga is about?  Is our Ego what needs to shine?

She called me again to the real practice of yoga....that elusive idea that we are not the Ego.  We are deeper and more Universal than that.  We are the "Observer" who watches the Ego self act in the world, worried about performance, or whether our friends like us, or how much we weigh, or what kind of car we should buy....all the cares of the material world that take up our attention, cause us stress, and give us a stomachache come not from the vastness of the True Self, but from the human self Ego construct.

In Yoga talk, the Sanskrit word for the "me" I think I am is Prakriti.  It is the big sack of history we carry on our backs everywhere we go filled with our DNA, our life experiences, our thoughts, traumas, religion, joys, angers, hurts, relationships, etc.  These are the things we think we are.

But guess what?!?  We are not those things.  Oh, our human life is made up of those things; our consciousness attends to those things; we do live in the material world and must deal with these material concerns.  But mindfulness calls us to know that beyond these concerns we can find Purusha, Pure Awareness.  This Awareness is our Inner Observer -- that which lives within and outside the everyday consciousness.

Being able to tap into this Purusha allows us to put down the sack and find inner calm, inner peace, relief.  It definitely takes practice.  Yoga is that practice.  The poses and the breathing are all designed to help us find a quiet place inside -- what many call meditation.  And sometimes I find that peace in a sitting meditation.

What's more miraculous to me is finding it in the midst of the Prakriti noise.  Sometimes I can mentally step back from all that's going on around me, and find myself observing it all as if from afar.  At these moments I realize that the still, quiet "Self" inside is the real deal, the unchanging essence of "me".  That outer "me" is just a noisy, stressful, impermanent, worrisome jangle of experiences that come and go, come and go.

So this weekend I will be called upon at some point to lead and to teach.  I will take a deep breath and step forward, my outer Ego self probably still hoping to do well, and my Inner Self knowing that how I "do" has no bearing whatsoever on the "being" of me.

May we all find our Purusha and find peace.

Namaste, donnajurene