With all the logistics worked out I was eager to get on with the workshop -- Friday night, all day Saturday, all day Sunday. Six of us from our yoga teacher training were there and it was great to reunite and be in a learning space again.
We all found spots on the floor, sitting in perfect extended spine poses when Kraftsow took the stage and said, "Yoga is to prepare you to die." WHAT?!? I thought it was to perfect my Tree Pose. I thought it was about belly breathing to settle the nervous system. I thought it was about calming the fluctuations of the mind. My mind fluctuations went into overdrive with his opening statement! I don't wanna die!!! 😩
I had heard Kraftsow could be a bit "heady" in his lectures, used a lot of Sanskrit terms. I thought I was prepared for that. But Friday night's intro/orientation to the subject matter was confusing and I left befuddled. But I assumed all would become clear in the details the next day.
Saturday morning's session left my mind anything but calmed! I realized that my 200 hour teacher training certificate was maybe equivalent to a BA degree. Suddenly I found myself in a post-doctorate program! My head was spinning with esoteric concepts described relentlessly in Sanskrit (not my first language). These teaching from the ancients (which Kraftsow learned in India from the sources of yogi masters T. Krishnamacharya and T.KV. Desikachar) were straight down the Viniyoga lineage, but this American girl raised on pop culture and simple analogies was lost.
We did very little asana practice; only enough to stretch and limber to allow us to sit relatively comfortably for more lecture time. My back still started to ache, so I gave up on my bolster seat on the floor and found a folding chair.
His presentation style was also a challenge for me -- all over the map; not linear. But some in the 70-person group seemed to follow right along, busily taking notes and asking questions I didn't understand and getting answers I understood even less. Many were decades-long students of Kraftsow. My self talk got very critical. "Who do you think you are? You don't belong here! You are a pretender. You are not smart enough to be deep into yoga. Everyone else gets this and you are lost. Just leave!"
Walking to lunch with my friends, I expressed my frustration, even anger, that he wasn't making this material accessible to all. Elizabeth (from Yoga Circle and our teacher trainer) pointed out that Kraftsow is full of "Vata" energy -- one of the three energies described in Ayurvedic Medicine. It is generally one of lots of movement, motion, and to me, chaos. I am most a Kapha in energy -- quiet, solid, grounded. His energy was very agitating to me, interfering with my ability to stay present. This explanation helped me see it wasn't my lack of intelligence, but a differing style that was challenging for me (language barrier aside).
Armed with this knowledge, I was able to give my self talk a rest and just "be" in the afternoon session. I stopped trying to take notes and just listened, picking up what I could and letting the rest go. There wouldn't be a test after all. In doing this I began to see parallels with the personal growth work I've done in the Jungian tradition...finding our core wound, identifying the life experiences that shape who we are, how we think and act, setting intentions with awareness to change what we see as no longer serving us, diving deeper into a spiritual journey to find the Source of All -- and our True Self without judgements and external trappings.
Oh! That's what he's talking about! Well, it was for me anyway. Coming from different traditions to end up in the same place, I began to re-frame some of the teachings into language I could understand and relate to. Sunday I found some "a-ha" moments to treasure and bring home with me as new tools in the toolbox of self-discovery.
We die to our self importance. We work to resolve dysfunctional behaviors. We find the treasure of our full potential by deactivating the "land mines" we've buried to protect us. We become free from the constraints of our minds and find inner harmony with all that exists.
It was a challenging weekend. I'm not sure I got the subleties of the teachings, even though he was brilliant and personable. I liked him. But I took away a few chunks of understanding and have worked with these for the past couple of weeks in helpful ways. I guess that's all one can ask of a workshop.
One analogy that I recall with clarity: Kraftsow talked about the human life experience; we are born as if emerging from an underground spring, the water collects in a small rivulet, picking up dirt and stones and debris along the way, gathering force over time as our life becomes a wide river, full of murk and big chunks of muck, until we find ourselves rushing toward the vast sea where we merge with the Source of all, cleansed by the vastness of the endless waves.
I think the point is to live with deep awareness that we all have that vast sea within us at all times. There's no need to gather and focus on all that muck. And that knowledge really does calm the fluctuations of the mind and we can truly "die" to the vargaries of this crazy, complicated, confusing, frustrating, infuriating life -- and be free to simply live, practicing our Tree Poses in peace.
Namaste, donnajurene
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