Life feels like one big "to-do" list sometimes. As a person retired from an emotionally demanding job, from raising two sons and caring for a mother with dementia, one would think what lies before me each day is only fun and leisure. Nope. Life doesn't stop when one chapter closes and another begins. I still have a marriage to nuture, as well as now grown sons, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, a big house and garden, friends, travels and the nearly full-time task of trying to stay alive.
That last one is the surprise of growing older and takes up much more time than I anticipated. My little meltdown the other day was over the seemingly inordinate amount of time it takes to care for mind, body, and spirit -- on top of everything else!
I was having a conversation with my husband about my frustration with finding I have lists of things I need and want to do, but adding in 2-3 hours (plus travel time) every day to go to yoga classes, fitness and strength classes at the Y, go for a walk or hop on the treadmill, and sit in meditation seems to cut dramatically into a day that includes all the other stuff besides staying upright, active, strong, agile, balanced, and calm. I was particularly lamenting how feeble my meditation practice had become.
My husband is a bit of a saint when I get into these states of seeing no way out from my dilemma, whatever the angst du jour happens to be. In this instance, he wisely slowed me down by asking in a calm and gentle voice:
Him: "What do you really want?"
Me: "WHAT? I WANT TO HAVE MORE TIME! ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?!"
Him: "Well, you can't manufacture more than 24 hours in a day, so what do you really want?"
Me: "I want to stop feeling so frantic, like I can't keep up and can't do all the things I want and need to do!"
Him: "Can't is a defeated sounding word...what do you really want?" (I knew this was a technique he was using, and it was annoying.)
Me:"ARRGGGHHH! I just want to be healthy! I want to feel calmer, more accepting of myself, less frantic and I don't want it to take so much of my damn day to do!"
Him: "Sounds like you might be compartmentalizing all these wants and tasks into separate time slots. Can you find this calmer state of mind while you are working out? While you are driving to yoga? While you are writing a blog post or cleaning out a closet?"
Me: "I love writing...I completely lose track of time. Same with cleaning closets, weirdly. I'm just focused and calm. When I'm working out or practicing yoga, I'm really present in the activity...."
Him: "Wouldn't you call that 'meditation'? Certainly mindfulness."
Me: "Yeah, I guess it is...."
Him: "Maybe meditation is being in the flow...being present to the present moment. Maybe you don't have to sit eyes closed in silence for 30 minutes to get the meditation benefit. Maybe your daily tasks are your spiritual practice, if you approach them that way."
Me: "Wow! Of course. Everything I do has a spiritual, healing component, if I frame my life that way. I don't need more "time"; I need a re-frame! I can do all the things I want and need to do, with a little more organization and a little less 'overwhelm' procrastination." (Also less TV.)
******
A week later, I still have "to-do" lists on my desk but I don't feel nearly so panicked. I have a schedule worked out for yoga, the Y, and walks and I can adjust that as needed to accommodate other activities that arise --and not punish myself for it. As for meditation....I'm not forcing myself to sit silently right now. Rather, I'm gently reminding myself that my life is an opportunity for meditation and mindful presence every minute of every day.
I'm sure I'll need to revisit this over and over...I tend to backslide. But for now, see ya "in the flow".©
Namaste, donnajurene
I am trhing the same practice of being mindful during every day tasks, if I can jjst remember to do so 😁 It helps soothe when I start circling thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reminder