WISE TEARS

My husband and I have a morning "coffee date" where we sit in our living room watching the birds at the feeder and discuss whatever is on our minds at 8:00 a.m.  It might be about plumbing issues, family outings, fears and tears, or joyful anticipation of an upcoming event.   Today it was about "to do" lists and the ever-racing brain that goes along with keeping a cascade of details in mind as the holiday season unfolds.  We talked about whether our meditation practice helps beyond sitting in silent meditation, with staying calm during the day.  My husband is better at this 'carry-over' effect than I am.  I bounce right up from meditation; my brain re-engages and my body is off and running.  But after this discussion, as I drove to yoga class,  I vowed to try to stay in mindful calm more often than not.  I was looking forward to my asana practice.

But I walked in the door and Elizabeth reminded me this was Yoga Nidra Wednesday.  She knows that particular practice is not my favorite.  She gave me the option to decide if I wanted to stay.  Which is when I started to weep -- a sure sign that something was prodding me to stand in that emotion and feel all the feels that were coming up.  I told her I wanted to like Yoga Nidra, but I can never get physically comfortable; can't make my mind be present to the practice.  I get impatient, even frustrated and a bit angry, and I just want to get up and get out.  I said this as tears fell.  She hugged me.  She said leaving was an option and a perfectly fine one.  She also offered that I could leave after the asana portion of the class.  Or instead of lying down for the meditation portion of the practice, I could sit in a chair.

Wait...What??? Sit in a chair?  Is that OK?  That's not how this practice "should" be done!  It's Yoga SLEEP, after all!  But in her calm and encouraging way, she reminded me my yoga practice is always my practice.  I can find a posture that works for me, no matter how unorthodox.  So, I decided to stay.  I knew my tears were cuing me into something important.  I felt vulnerable...always a good sign of an open, needing heart.

By the time I'd dithered at the door, and had my weep-fest with Elizabeth, the room was nearly too full to find a spot for my mat.  This is a very popular practice for most people!  I had intended to hide in the corner of the room.  Instead I ended up front and center between the doors and the raised area where Elizabeth took her teacher spot.   I set up my mat and opened myself to whatever was going to happen.

The asana practice was gentle and calming.  Then, for the meditation portion,  I gathered props (chair, blanket, bolster, blocks) to support myself in a surprisingly comfortable posture, and with Elizabeth's help with strategically placed straps around my legs and wrists ("yoga handcuffs"!) I was able to find complete relaxation of limbs.  I closed my eyes and followed the guided meditation for the next 45 minutes, physically comfortable and with the ability to allow thoughts to rise and fall, come and go, without attachment.  Except the one that recurred:  I wanted to try the new Starbucks Juniper Latte and my mind would not leave that one alone!  So funny!

At the end of class, I was so grateful I stayed.  I felt totally relaxed, elated, calm, and joyful.  I hugged Elizabeth on the way out -- grateful as always for her gentle encouragement and skilled leadership.

As I sipped my yummy Juniper Latte on the way home (yes, I stopped at Starbucks), I knew I had found my way to Yoga Nidra after all.  And the carry-over effect lasted all day.  No longer avoiding that class, I'll be embracing it -- making it my own.  I'm glad I trusted those wise tears. ©

Namaste,  donnajurene

From Wikipedia:  Yoga nidra (Sanskrit: योग निद्रा) or yogic sleep) is a state of consciousness between waking and sleeping, like the "going-to-sleep" stage. It is a state in which the body is completely relaxed, and the practitioner becomes systematically and increasingly aware of the inner world by following a set of verbal instructions.

THANKFULNESS

We live in a prickly world.  It seems we are inundated with bad news: wars, famines, Mother Nature's furies, political upheaval, seemingly intractable problems to solve on all fronts -- from climate change and gun control to my computer software crashing just as I was ready to hit "send" on a photo book I'd created for my granddaughter.  From the overwhelming to the merely annoying, life can sometimes feel like running up against one obstacle after another.

And yet, tomorrow is the American holiday of Thanksgiving, and we are called to thankfulness.

It doesn't take me long to find an "attitude of gratitude", as Karen encourages us to do in class, but I have to admit there is a short pause as I mentally discard all the trouble spots in my life and zero in on thankfulness.

My husband and I facilitate a monthly sharing circle of twelve people who come together to socialize and share from the heart in a rare gathering of trust and intimacy built up over the past three years of building this intentional community of friendship.  We generally try to come up with a process of getting below the surface and finding insight into who we are and why we respond as we do to our lives and to those around us.

Last week we met and with thankfulness as a theme, we led the group in an exercise of going around the circle to share a recent challenge or disappointment -- something that didn't go as expected.  From national and local political issues to bum knees and family troubles,  each person in the group shared their feelings of being let down.

The next round around the circle we encouraged a deeper dive.  In spite of that disappointment, was there a place of gratitude around what what happening?  I am no Pollyanna.  I HATE the "it could be worse"/"put on a happy face" response to very real events and feelings.  But I also find no solace in wallowing in and perseverating on a challenge indefinitely.  That place of stuck-ness and self-pity does not move me forward.

My sharing was about troubles I've had with my eyesight recently -- unable to read for any length of time; squinting at the computer screen; seemingly cloudier vision in one eye; night driving becoming more challenging... What the heck?  A trip to the Opthamalogist revealed that I have a growing cataract in my left eye.  WHAT?  Isn't that what my grandmother had when she was old?  I was beyond disappointed with this diagnosis.

I lamented for a couple of days, worried and sad.  Then I started to realize: I was able to get a same-day appointment, insurance covered all but the co-pay; the doctor and the technician were skilled, friendly, and encouraging; the array of technologically sophisticated machinery employed to make a thorough and accurate diagnosis was pretty amazing; there is a procedure I can have done that will help me.  I found great gratitude for all of these things.  I still don't like what I'm experiencing, still don't want this thing happening, but grateful nonetheless to live in a time and place where this is not the beginning of blindness.

What would it be like to train our brains to be ever mindful of the gratitude that lies beneath each setback?  To see the everyday goodness and wonder of life?  To truly cultivate that "attitude of gratitude"?

We have that opportunity at all times, but maybe the baby step is to show up to yoga class at every visit grateful for the physical and emotional warmth of the studio, the beautiful art that surrounds us, the skilled and smiling teachers who lead us to health, the students next to us who are experiencing their own pain and challenge but who show up to move, breathe, and find solace together in a time of grateful awareness within the Yoga Circle community.

May your day of Thanksgiving be a blessing....and may you find thankfulness in every single day. ©

Namaste, donnajurene

Photocredit:  www.pixabay.com

IN THE FLOW

I had a momentary meltdown one morning last week.  These are not unusual for me.  I have a history of getting myself in a tizzy over this and that.  I read an article a while back exploring the unique characteristics of "highly sensitive people": https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201609/9-common-traits-highly-sensitive-people  I fit a little bit of all but one of the characteristics in this article.  (I'm not #4). I fit A LOT of the first one -- being overwhelmed by too much to do.

Life feels like one big "to-do" list sometimes.  As a person retired from an emotionally demanding job, from raising two sons and caring for a mother with dementia, one would think what lies before me each day is only fun and leisure.  Nope.  Life doesn't stop when one chapter closes and another begins.  I still have a marriage to nuture, as well as now grown sons, daughters-in-law, grandchildren, a big house and garden, friends, travels and the nearly full-time task of trying to stay alive.

That last one is the surprise of growing older and takes up much more time than I anticipated.  My little meltdown the other day was over the seemingly inordinate amount of time it takes to care for mind, body, and spirit -- on top of everything else!

I was having a conversation with my husband about my frustration with finding I have lists of things I need and want to do, but adding in 2-3 hours (plus travel time) every day to go to yoga classes, fitness and strength classes at the Y, go for a walk or hop on the treadmill, and sit in meditation seems to cut dramatically into a day that includes all the other stuff besides staying upright, active, strong, agile, balanced, and calm.  I was particularly lamenting how feeble my meditation practice had become.

My husband is a bit of a saint when I get into these states of seeing no way out from my dilemma, whatever the angst du jour happens to be.  In this instance, he wisely slowed me down by asking in a calm and gentle voice:

Him: "What do you really want?"
Me: "WHAT?  I WANT TO HAVE MORE TIME!  ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?!"

Him: "Well, you can't manufacture more than 24 hours in a day, so what do you really want?"
Me: "I want to stop feeling so frantic, like I can't keep up and can't do all the things I want and need to do!"

Him: "Can't is a defeated sounding word...what do you really want?"  (I knew this was a technique he was using, and it was annoying.)
Me:"ARRGGGHHH! I just want to be healthy!  I want to feel calmer, more accepting of myself, less frantic and I don't want it to take so much of my damn day to do!"

Him: "Sounds like you might be compartmentalizing all these wants and tasks into separate time slots.  Can you find this calmer state of mind while you are working out?  While you are driving to yoga?  While you are writing a blog post or cleaning out a closet?"
Me: "I love writing...I completely lose track of time.  Same with cleaning closets, weirdly.  I'm just focused and calm.  When I'm working out or practicing yoga, I'm really present in the activity...."

Him: "Wouldn't you call that 'meditation'?  Certainly mindfulness."
Me: "Yeah, I guess it is...."

Him: "Maybe meditation is being in the flow...being present to the present moment.  Maybe you don't have to sit eyes closed in silence for 30 minutes to get the meditation benefit.  Maybe your daily tasks are your spiritual practice, if you approach them that way."
Me: "Wow!  Of course.  Everything I do has a spiritual, healing component, if I frame my life that way.  I don't need more "time"; I need a re-frame! I can do all the things I want and need to do, with a little more organization and a little less 'overwhelm' procrastination."  (Also less TV.)
******

A week later, I still have "to-do" lists on my desk but I don't feel nearly so panicked.  I have a schedule worked out for yoga, the Y, and walks and I can adjust that as needed to accommodate other activities that arise --and not punish myself for it.   As for meditation....I'm not forcing myself to sit silently right now.  Rather, I'm gently reminding myself that my life is an opportunity for meditation and mindful presence every minute of every day.

I'm sure I'll need to revisit this over and over...I tend to backslide. But for now, see ya "in the flow".©

Namaste, donnajurene