GIVE UP ALL HOPE

I had a funny, light-hearted little essay in mind for this week's post, but I've lost interest in that since last Friday.  That was the day we took our turn in the spotlight as yet another school shooting happened in our own "backyard", in Marysville, Washington.  The folks in surrounding communities are still reeling from the tragedy of three teens dead, two still in critical condition, and one, thankfully, recovering.  The entire town is covered in red and white ribbons, school colors, united in grief and support.

So many of us in the surrounding communities have been touched by this event -- many of us know families and kids who have direct connections to the school, but even if we don't, this is something that has happened to ALL of us just by virtue of proximity.  We are all impacted by the response -- whether it be well-meaning and tender or judgmental and angry.

We each get to decide, I guess, what our response is, especially on a deep and private level.  One's religious and spiritual beliefs can provide a balm.   For me, the practices of meditation and yoga bring a sense of calm and order to that which is noisy and chaotic -- true both in "normal" everyday life and especially true when something so outrageously out of the ordinary happens.  I have sat and quieted my mind often over the past several days, lighting candles of remembrance and support for the families of the shooter and the victims, for the families I know, and for those I don't.

I turned to Pema Chodron's book, "When Things Fall Apart" for wisdom this morning, expecting to find words of encouragement and hope.  Instead, I found the advice to "let go of all hope".  Puzzled, I kept reading:  "Giving up hope is encouragement to stick with yourself, to make friends with yourself, to not run away from yourself, to return to bare bones, no matter what's going on.  Fear of death is the background of the whole thing.  It's why we feel restless, why we panic, why there's anxiety.  But if we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death."

Again, we are reminded that it is only this very moment, yes, this one…this breath…that is real.  Regret is in the past and hope is in the future.  Living NOW breaks through the illusion that our minds can control events.  I find something comforting in that after all, even if I want to argue with the logic, to grieve the senselessness of what happened.

The other day I actually wrote a post on my other blog http://myviewfromhere-donna.blogspot.com entitled: "Choose Hope" because that is my default mode.  But in reading "When Things Fall Apart" this morning I was introduced to this different perspective.  Still, Pema doesn't say not to feel anything; she says to feel it all deeply, with every ounce of attentiveness we can give our experience in this moment, then to also realize the next moment will be a new experience…so let it all go and be open to what comes.

Circumstances have conspired to keep me from the Yoga studio since last Friday, but I am eager to return there tomorrow to sit with my teacher, be in community with the other students, breathing  together in shared focus and shared commitment to bringing calm presence into our lives through our Yoga practice.

The peace I feel there, the time we share together, the love that lives in our hearts, cannot be defeated.  This is your moment.  Live and Love. ©

Namaste...donnajurene

11/12/14 UPDATE:  Since this was posted, the teen who was recovering has been released from the hospital and is home.  The two teens who had remained in critical condition have both died.  Five teens dead; one recovering.  The sadness, resilience, questions, and determination go on.

A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

I did something really whacky in class this week.  I unfurled my mat on the wrong side of the room!  Not that there's a "wrong" side and a "right" side, but there is MY side, which is (when facing the teacher) to the left of the center raised platform from which she teaches.  I have inhabited that side of the room for many months, maybe years.  In fact, for most of that time I claimed the same mat-sized spot on that side of the room.  I am a creature of comfort and habit.

But on Tuesday when I arrived just before class was to start, not only was "my" spot taken, so was nearly the whole side of the room full.  Oh sure, I could have squeezed in and made a few people move a smidge to accommodate me, but as luck would have it, I'm also on a kick of challenging my usual patterns of behavior and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to go wild and try the other side of the room!  Oh, I tell ya, I live life on the edge sometimes!

It was a new perspective for sure, being in the back row on the opposite side of the room.  It was like using my left hand to brush my teeth; a little disorienting, challenging, and strangely thrilling to practice that which is familiar in a way that is not.

It reminded me of another time many months ago when I came to class not ready to try something new, but forced to by circumstance.  First, "my" spot was taken and I had to move back a row.  I was annoyed…didn't that new woman know she was taking the place I had occupied for weeks???  Then I realized the teacher I thought would be there was not, and a sub was taking the class that day.  The sub played unfamiliar music.  She didn't speak loudly enough (in my judgement) to be heard easily over the seemingly roaring sound of the cooling system fan.  Plus, I do believe every heavy truck in Snohomish was shifting gears in a steady caravan right outside the studio doors that morning.  I was grumpy, judgmental, distracted…angry even.  I left after class still grumbling to myself.

Does getting lost in expectations ever happen to you?  Some people are just naturally "go with the flow" types; I'm not generally one of them.  My quest for ease and familiarity, safety and comfort, often leave me grasping for an outcome I really have absolutely no control over.  One of my life's spiritual quests is to find peace and acceptance no matter where I go or what circumstances I might find in my travels through life.  Equanimity is my Holy Grail.  Yoga is my path for seeking it.  Every time I can practice being uncomfortable and challenged, on my own terms, is one step closer to feeling secure when discomfort comes without my bidding.  Judgment and anger are just reminders that grasping and clinging to the outcome of an expectation is futile.  Better to take a deep breath and get a new perspective.

Anyone want to join me on the other side of the room? ©

Namaste....donnajurene

Photo Source: Yoga Circle Studio

RESISTANCE AND SURRENDER

Some days I believe Karen is absolutely psychic.  There is often a "theme" to her teaching and today's was "resistance and surrender" and moving from "no" to "yes".

I came later than usual to class today, a rare occurrence since I generally like to get there in time to settle into a short meditation prior to asana practice.  But this morning I got caught in an emotional moment at home.  My husband and I had meandered into a conversation that, as often happens, led to some serious soul-searching and introspection.  He is my sounding board, as I am his.  We tend to work through difficult individual personal struggles together, using the tools we've gained in our years of both participating in and facilitating personal growth work.  Our tool boxes are pretty full.  It's just that sometimes we forget which tool to pull out and put to the task at hand.  That's when it's nice to have a partner familiar with the selection.

So, I've been in a bit of a funk for quite a while.  It's not very apparent most of the time, but it is pervasive and unyielding behind my "sunny" exterior.  I trace it back to the years of caring for my mother as her familiar personality disappeared from me and she became someone new -- an elderwoman with dementia.  She lived with this terrible disease for five years before her death in 2008, a time a great grief, relief, and confusion for me. The following year and for two years after that I lived with a "mystery" illness that landed me in the ER twice and resulted in batteries of tests that were inconclusive.  I had fainting episodes of unknown origin which looked a lot like heart attacks on the surface, but my heart is healthy and strong.  Even so, I felt sick most of the time for about a year or so (and returns even now, occasionally).  It sort of freaked me out -- even though I lost 25 unwanted pounds! Yay!  Then a month ago I had that crazy car accident that really stunned my sense of myself as a safe and cautious driver and made me want to stay home.

During this morning's conversation we hit upon the thing that is the common thread holding all of these events, and my subsequent anxieties in reaction to them, together:  None could have been predicted; they came out of the blue in spite of all best intentions.  My mother had no risk factors for dementia -- in fact she did everything one is advised to do to prevent it.  My fainting episodes came from nowhere for no apparent reason.  My accident was swift and startling.   With no "reason" for any of it, how can it be prevented?  Fear takes over.  Something bad could happen again at any time...or something worse... or to someone I love or…or…or...

What does this have to do with Karen's ESP?   The a-ha moment that happened just before  I left my house to go to class occurred after my husband ushered me through a series of questions that led to the realization that living in a state of constant fear, anxiety, and caution in order to avoid experiencing the misery of a "bad" event is actually causing me to be miserable even when no such event has occurred!    Getting clear on this suddenly allowed me to see I had to tell my inner "risk manager" to move aside; I had to stop saying "no" to life out of fear.  I  need to embrace the real life that is before me in this moment -- not the one I fear could come if I'm not careful.  I had to surrender and stop resisting.

As I drove to class, I thought about all of this and the minute I hit the mat and heard Karen talking about the very thing I had spent the previous hour or so uncovering in my own life, I could barely contain the sense of "universal truth" that seemed meant just for me.

I guess this post isn't really about Yoga.  But it is about life.  And about finding the wisdom we need just when we need it, woven into a practice that can move us, both on the mat and off. ©

Namaste...donnajurene

Photo Credit: https://www.free-clip-art.com/clipart/Clip-Art/Religious/indian_woman_praying_342704.html

X-RAY YOGA -- WHAT YOUR BONES ARE DOING!

Just ran across this video…sort of creepy-cool.  Ever wonder what your bones are doing under that layer of fat and muscle when you are moving through asana?  Here ya go:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=UUCiwUz0xBnlCs4jf0zLM03w&v=wCu14zMZ_1Y

Love your body; it's amazing!

Namaste...donnajurene