Some days I believe Karen is absolutely psychic. There is often a "theme" to her teaching and today's was "resistance and surrender" and moving from "no" to "yes".I came later than usual to class today, a rare occurrence since I generally like to get there in time to settle into a short meditation prior to asana practice. But this morning I got caught in an emotional moment at home. My husband and I had meandered into a conversation that, as often happens, led to some serious soul-searching and introspection. He is my sounding board, as I am his. We tend to work through difficult individual personal struggles together, using the tools we've gained in our years of both participating in and facilitating personal growth work. Our tool boxes are pretty full. It's just that sometimes we forget which tool to pull out and put to the task at hand. That's when it's nice to have a partner familiar with the selection.
So, I've been in a bit of a funk for quite a while. It's not very apparent most of the time, but it is pervasive and unyielding behind my "sunny" exterior. I trace it back to the years of caring for my mother as her familiar personality disappeared from me and she became someone new -- an elderwoman with dementia. She lived with this terrible disease for five years before her death in 2008, a time a great grief, relief, and confusion for me. The following year and for two years after that I lived with a "mystery" illness that landed me in the ER twice and resulted in batteries of tests that were inconclusive. I had fainting episodes of unknown origin which looked a lot like heart attacks on the surface, but my heart is healthy and strong. Even so, I felt sick most of the time for about a year or so (and returns even now, occasionally). It sort of freaked me out -- even though I lost 25 unwanted pounds! Yay! Then a month ago I had that crazy car accident that really stunned my sense of myself as a safe and cautious driver and made me want to stay home.
During this morning's conversation we hit upon the thing that is the common thread holding all of these events, and my subsequent anxieties in reaction to them, together: None could have been predicted; they came out of the blue in spite of all best intentions. My mother had no risk factors for dementia -- in fact she did everything one is advised to do to prevent it. My fainting episodes came from nowhere for no apparent reason. My accident was swift and startling. With no "reason" for any of it, how can it be prevented? Fear takes over. Something bad could happen again at any time...or something worse... or to someone I love or…or…or...
What does this have to do with Karen's ESP? The a-ha moment that happened just before I left my house to go to class occurred after my husband ushered me through a series of questions that led to the realization that living in a state of constant fear, anxiety, and caution in order to avoid experiencing the misery of a "bad" event is actually causing me to be miserable even when no such event has occurred! Getting clear on this suddenly allowed me to see I had to tell my inner "risk manager" to move aside; I had to stop saying "no" to life out of fear. I need to embrace the real life that is before me in this moment -- not the one I fear could come if I'm not careful. I had to surrender and stop resisting.
As I drove to class, I thought about all of this and the minute I hit the mat and heard Karen talking about the very thing I had spent the previous hour or so uncovering in my own life, I could barely contain the sense of "universal truth" that seemed meant just for me.
I guess this post isn't really about Yoga. But it is about life. And about finding the wisdom we need just when we need it, woven into a practice that can move us, both on the mat and off. ©
Namaste...donnajurene
Photo Credit: https://www.free-clip-art.com/clipart/Clip-Art/Religious/indian_woman_praying_342704.html
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