WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

YOWZA!  Time is on hyperspeed!  I'm just writing my first July blog post on nearly the eve of August!

I have a good excuse.  This is the last month of my yoga teacher training course.  I had to write a research paper and develop an asana practice to go along with it.  I had a 3-page, multi-part take-home final to complete.  I had to rehearse the abbreviated asana practice from my research that I will be required to teach to the entire class and the instructors at the 5-day culminating yoga training retreat that begins today.

I just did a run-through, again, of my teaching practice.  I'm generally not at all nervous about talking to crowds, which is weird for an introvert such as myself, but I find it much easier than making small talk at a party one on one.  Anyway, having talked to some of my sister yoginis, I realize we are all a bit nervous.  This is it.  We are teachers, teaching.  Gulp.  I even mentioned to one of our instructors that I hoped I didn't screw this up.  She very gently looked me in the eye and said, "And what if you do?"  Is being perfect what yoga is about?  Is our Ego what needs to shine?

She called me again to the real practice of yoga....that elusive idea that we are not the Ego.  We are deeper and more Universal than that.  We are the "Observer" who watches the Ego self act in the world, worried about performance, or whether our friends like us, or how much we weigh, or what kind of car we should buy....all the cares of the material world that take up our attention, cause us stress, and give us a stomachache come not from the vastness of the True Self, but from the human self Ego construct.

In Yoga talk, the Sanskrit word for the "me" I think I am is Prakriti.  It is the big sack of history we carry on our backs everywhere we go filled with our DNA, our life experiences, our thoughts, traumas, religion, joys, angers, hurts, relationships, etc.  These are the things we think we are.

But guess what?!?  We are not those things.  Oh, our human life is made up of those things; our consciousness attends to those things; we do live in the material world and must deal with these material concerns.  But mindfulness calls us to know that beyond these concerns we can find Purusha, Pure Awareness.  This Awareness is our Inner Observer -- that which lives within and outside the everyday consciousness.

Being able to tap into this Purusha allows us to put down the sack and find inner calm, inner peace, relief.  It definitely takes practice.  Yoga is that practice.  The poses and the breathing are all designed to help us find a quiet place inside -- what many call meditation.  And sometimes I find that peace in a sitting meditation.

What's more miraculous to me is finding it in the midst of the Prakriti noise.  Sometimes I can mentally step back from all that's going on around me, and find myself observing it all as if from afar.  At these moments I realize that the still, quiet "Self" inside is the real deal, the unchanging essence of "me".  That outer "me" is just a noisy, stressful, impermanent, worrisome jangle of experiences that come and go, come and go.

So this weekend I will be called upon at some point to lead and to teach.  I will take a deep breath and step forward, my outer Ego self probably still hoping to do well, and my Inner Self knowing that how I "do" has no bearing whatsoever on the "being" of me.

May we all find our Purusha and find peace.

Namaste, donnajurene